I knew before I started the dialogue with Whitefish that the girl born in 1994 already had many identities: dramatist, musician, poet and gender columnist. However, what really brought her a lot of attention was her clear stance on gender issues and the "feminist label" she put on herself. Of course thishas also caused some controversy.
and this is not a white fish problem alone. In China, "feminism" has always been a topic that has attracted much attention, and every mention can always set off a wave of heated discussions., behind the hustle and bustle, the object of debate is often summarized as simple and crude labels, but few people really understand what "feminism" means. Just getting deeper and deeper in the opposition. It is true that whitefish's systematic perception of feminism makes me curious, but in addition, her other identities and interests in other fields also make up her. Putting aside her status as a public figure, I would also like to know her life and attitude as an ordinary person. Returning to the level of life, feminists are also ordinary people like you and me. What kind of thinking and struggles do they have in their understanding of ordinary life.
from Beijing to Taiwan, Baiyu officially began to study anthropology and jazz, which also made her find herself more comfortable and relaxed. At the same time, she also met someone who really loved each other.has struggled in bad emotional relationships, she has made herself a firmer and more perfect person step by step through reading, thinking and experience with her courage.
stay up late and go to the seaside of foreign Australia without sleeping.©white fish
this dialogue takes "goodbye, lover" as an incision, combined with our own experience, goes deep into many corners of our heart, and also shows our thinking about love and intimate relationship.
The following is the conversation between Aoki and Whitefish.
Aoki:is your current emotional state in love?
white fish:yes, I am in love. My current boyfriend is my first stable partner for more than 5 months, and it is also the first time I feel what it feels like to be connected, passionate and love with someone.
the first time I saw him was a gathering in the department when I was studying anthropology in Taiwan. At that time, I was wearing the clothes of Su Yang's lyrics of "Da He Sing". He came over and asked me, "Do you listen to Su Yang? The two of us started talking quickly.
I haven't met a straight man who can be trusted by me for a long time, and can chat loosely, and he is very concerned about the rights and interests of marginal groups in various senses,so in some bottom-line matters, he is very sympathetic.
, the boys in Taipei in my stratosphere are almost the same. They have basic empathy for women and a perception of gender inequality in social reality. But he is not the kind of "feminist boy". I don't trust that kind of person.
Aoki:you said before, the current emotional state is "doubt while walking forward", why do you think so?
white fish:because I haven't figured out how to be with the vested interests of a patriarchal society as a feminist.
some people think that they can express an attitude in public speaking and separate themselves from the private field to live another life, but I think there is no way to separate them.
for example, maybe the emotional education of a boy from an early age is that I don't want to reveal my emotions. When two people quarrel over one thing and see the other injured or angry, he will be disappointed with himself, so he is stuck in a closed circle and refuses to communicate even more.at this time, I will feel that I don't want to work hard. It is their gender problem and their factory settings. This is not what I should do.
I don't deal with conflicts in my previous feelings, I will leave directly when I accumulate to a certain extent. But after meeting this boyfriend now, I found that I was still worried about him. When we were together for a short time, he would be more self-enclosed after an argument. I will be very anxious and hurt, because I love him very much, so I want to try my best to save it.
this is the first time I have fallen in love with a boy of the same age. I have never experienced such a relationship. I am the one in the relationship with more social experience and more money.
, he will have some masculinity burden. For example, he thinks that girls should not spend more money. At first, I will respect him more. We should not eat expensive food. It may only cost less than 40 or 50 yuan to eat at the night market. But slowly, I still have dissatisfaction.
because I have long been the kind of person who will dote on myself,my material life can be simple, but I cannot lack what I like.later, I told him that if I want to eat something very expensive in the future, I can invite you, but you have to bear the emotion yourself.
this is a part of my whole personality that I never had before. I will not be so "cruel" to the people I love ". In fact, thesemodels are also related to self-achievement.,, for example, I have been fighting against my pleasing personality for more than 20 years, and it has become more decisive to talk like this.
but after I said it, it was not a burden for him.he will know my needs from my expression,he would not think it was a question about his masculinity, but a logic about enjoying life with his girlfriend., if neither of them said anything, it would become that I secretly paid for him. He didn't know that I was giving, and I was angry and he didn't know why.
National Taiwan University Jazz Club Practice Outdoor Sunsetwhite fish
Aoki:, it is true that communication is really important, and I have been stuck in this problem recently.
, I just ended a love affair in a different place when I was together, because the epidemic situation was never achieved again for various reasons.this relationshipto maintainis not smooth., everyone is giving,can't feel each other's efforts.I'm not surethisinformation inequality caused by poor communication, or is it that they don't care so much about each other?.
white fish:I understand, I think how two people communicate and solve problems in the relationship is actually a very secret thing. In fact, it was only in this relationship that I learned how to express negative emotions in a more harmonious way: dissatisfaction, anger and disappointment.sometimes in the relationship, these emotions are not to be burdened by the lover, but to say them. Although they seem to have not been solved, the problem is not stuck.
my boyfriend also said a word that reassured me, which also encouraged my expression. He said: "I know that when we have conflicts, you will apologize to me because you love me very much and don't want to lose me, but I hope you don't do this." That sentence made me think that he was actually quite rare, because he knew that other people's efforts were not taken for granted. But I think it is very regrettable that this characteristic that we think is "normal" is actually not common in many people. This may also be a cognitive basis for being able to communicate.
two people have always maintained a benign communication, and now they have handled it better. I will express my needs, and he will also expose his emotions to me, making it very comfortable to get along with each other.also recommend reading the book "Dependency Symbiosis". There are many practical examples, practical guidelines on how to communicate, and how to protect your boundaries in relationships.
"Does every woman need love all her life"
Aoki:has a variety show "Goodbye Lover" that is very popular. The three couples in it who are at different stages of divorce are very representative. Some time ago, I read an article by Know yourself that people who are emotionally detached can actually correspond to the people in the program. The sense of shame mentioned here also resonates with me.
white fish:from the other party's point of view, sometimes you express feelings for the direction, but the feedback signal you receive is indifference and negligence, or you clearly heard it, but did not listen to it, and it will remain the same next time. The superposition of disappointment also makes people feel unable to hold on.
Aoki:is actually a kind of expression disorder already. I also understand what you said. In fact, I have always been a little passive aggressive. I am in a passive state. At the same time, I hope the other party can control the rhythm and lead me. I often have such mentality and expectation in my past feelings.
white fish:, I have been in that situation for a long time. They are older than me and have everything. Then there is another big gap, that is, I thinkthey can only regard a woman as something they are familiar with, either a vase, you can decorate her, or a wife, under their control after the relationship is stable.
later, I felt that I had seen through it. I didn't even think our relationship at that time was very sincere.
White Band Performed in Tavernwhite fish
Aoki:Yes, I also remember a moment when I felt that the other party was a dimension reduction blow to me, which was really a lie to the little girl (although I was not small). This feeling is also very poor.
white fish:they can cheat because he lives in a place where male authority is respected. Now people in society will say that this kind of person is "oil". In fact, after girls become more and more independent, they no longer want to be preached by men.
Aoki:also Tong Chenjie said on the program that she felt that women needed to "love and be loved" all their lives. I was actually quite touched.
white fish:, what I agree with most about Tong Chenjie is that she bravely said, "Women just need love".I used to twist the bar. I started to fall in love since I was a child, and now I have talked about more than dozens of boyfriends. I spent a lot of time and energy on men, on the script of romantic love in society, but in my heart, I was very resistant to the need for love. When I was young, I felt that love should be devoted to sacrifice. But now, I think mature love can control giving.has given themselves a lot of freedom.
But I think the only thing Tong Chenjie did not do well is that every time KK did something wrong, she expressed her dissatisfaction, and KK played autistic. Once the other party is autistic, she starts to coax the other party. This model is very strange, clearly wronged is her, the last to coax is also her. So I would feel that in their relationship, Tong Chenjie's internal needs have never been met.
Aoki:my personal feeling is that boys are generally less injured in cold violence than girls. Or to be precise, the positive power or the more masculine party. If two people who are also in love quarrel or break up, women's pain will be exaggerated many times. Men may also be painful, but they can close the channels for expressing their feelings, maintain a superficial normal state, and shift their attention to work or other things.
are waiting for them to talk about this matter again. In the process of solving this problem, most girls will suffer much more. Therefore, it is possible that Tong Chenjie's fear of cold violence and insecurity led her to want to end this phase of mutual harm as soon as possible.
white fish:I can fully empathise this, I have done this before, but I think the way to really protect myself is to either leave this person or break it off, and I can't lower my bottom line again and again.
in fact, people can tell their partners some truth by doing some negative actions.negative means that, for example, he did not do a good job in this matter. I told him that I was angry. Let's all calm down, but don't be cold and violent. You still have to express this negative attitude smoothly. At this time, girls should put all their attention on themselves, so you can live, create and do all the things you want to do. When the other party really wants to understand where he is wrong and comes to contact you, you can re-establish your connection.what needs to be overcome in this process is separation anxiety.
Aoki:I think Tong Chenjie's bottom line is relatively clear. For example, she said she would not have children until she was ready. She can accept that their relationship goes to any result, and her heart is very clear.
, the older I grow, the more I understand that I have to overcome and control myself. But sometimes I wonder that everyone wants to be the right person, and they all want to stop losses in time before things get worse, hoping to keep each other decent, and not too much to violate each other's boundaries. In the process of "respecting each other as a guest", will love disappear. It's contradictory.
white fish:I know, I know. I also think that the mainstream "aesthetics of love" is very problematic. I don't think that both of them need to take good care of themselves before they can love each other.my real view of love is that two particularly broken people can pour dog blood on each other. After wiping it, they can pick up each other again. In the process, you will feel very tired and see the thorns on each other, but it doesn't matter.
Aoki:, "every woman needs love all her life", there are many girls around me who have a lot of work responsibilities, which are more likely to fall into a lonely situation than those who have a relatively flat and stable life. In fact, it is also very painful for people who also need emotional dependence. They can be mentally independent, economically independent, and ideologically not attached to others, but in fact, she has more hard work behind her glamour than those girls who enter an imperfect but relatively peaceful marriage. This is my feeling.
we advocate the pursuit of higher quality love, we will leave decisively if the other party has problems that are difficult to correct, but in fact, we may not meet the right person if we pass by all kinds of wrong people.
white fish:but I may want to question this statement. I'm not sure who is less happy with a woman who is not so affectionate but supports each other's partners, and a lonely but ambitious and talented woman, who bears more alone.
went for a walk in Danshui in the evening.white fish
Aoki:I have asked some friends who are in a stable relationship and are loved infinitely, do you think you live like a TV series? She said that her husband said the same thing, but she didn't realize it. She has never experienced our moments of doubt, nor has she ever experienced what the other party really does is to touch the bottom line. If she can guarantee that she will never wake up and lose this love for the rest of her life, she will naturally be extremely lucky. I don't think there's anything bad about this, but for me, I don't have the courage to bet on the fact that I won't wake up for the rest of my life.
white fish:this is a fake problem for me, because when I wake up, I can't imagine what I looked like when I didn't wake up, but it doesn't rule out that someone is really happy.
Aoki:Yes, we sometimes don't believe in people, not happiness.
once again introduced the white fish as a musician ~ click on the original link to sing for the white fish ~
, Aoki and Baiyu discuss the process of awakening feminist ideas in the brain during the growth process and the plight of women at the bottom in China.
there is also girls talk about the topic of girls' first ye.
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